Sure PR

Press Release Which Is Anything But The Mutt's Nuts

Now it might have potential for coverage but skip down to the Notes to Editor bit . . .

PUPPIES STOLEN, EDINBURGH
0800hrs, 20/10/09

Press Office, Fettes

Police in Edinburgh are appealing for information after four puppies were stolen from a flat in Albert Street on Friday (October 16).

The Staffordshire bull terrier pups were taken when the flat was broken into sometime between 11.30am and 1.45pm.

The puppies are eight weeks old, two of them are black, and two have brindle markings.

A police spokesperson said: “The owner is very upset at the loss of the puppies.

“We are appealing for anyone who might have seen people acting suspiciously in the area at the time, or from anyone who has heard of this kind of puppy being offered for sale, to contact police.”

Anyone with information is asked to contact Lothian and Borders Police on 0131 311 3131 or Crimestoppers in confidence and complete anonymity on 0800 555 111.

NOTE TO EDITORS: There are no images of the puppies available and the owner does not wish to speak to the media
ENDS

Issued by Martin Couper on 20/10/2009 08:05:01

If Martin Couper or his bosses at Fettes press office had any balls, even the canine variety, they would have told the cop that asked for this release to be issued that he/she was barking.

No pics and owner doesn't want to play ball - simple solution - take a hike. But what about the waste of resources in putting this together and then polluting news desk in-boxes with a release which has no chance of getting hacks to bite?

Try getting the media office to answer the dog and bone when you have an urgent inquiry about an ongoing incident or suspicious death and that's a different matter entirely - you've got more chance of them showing you their puppies.

Anyway, that's enough dog puns for one day, back to the real job . . .

Turbo Bob Wins Made Up Quote Award

Made Up Quote of the Week goes to - who else, but my old pals at Lothian and Borders Police press office for this little belter from Robert Turbyne on a "counter terrorism initiative".

But before the made up quote, how about this for classic police wank speak - "Superintendent Mark Williams, who hold the Counter-Terrorism portfolio for the City of Edinburgh".

WTF. Does that mean Mr Williams deals in shares in Edinburgh firms who specialise in counter terrorism; does he own properties in which counter terrorism staff are housed or is he in fact in charge of the force's counter terrorism unit?

If you can be bothered reading about this police exercise which brings "All Communities Together" you can read it here. Except you can't because wee Turbo Bob can't be arsed putting it on the Force's website, so there is no link.

But did you see what he did there? Capped up the A, C and T just in case thicko journos didn't get the intended message of, er, bringing communites together. Clever stuff indeed.

Anyway - to the made up quote, from a, ahem, a member of the public who attended a pilot session “The exercise suddenly puts you on the other side of the table and gives you an insight as to the challenges and decisions that the Police have to make each day. It certainly stresses the importance of regular interaction between both the police and the local community on a day-to-day basis."

Note to press office: Joe Public does not talk of "challenges and decisions" or "regular interaction" between the police and local community. But press officers with too much time on their hands and little imagination do.

Times Reporter Blows It

Keva McKibbin ("Modern Weddings", Magazine, August 22) did not say that she was "blown off her face" when she first met her husband, but that she was "blown off her feet". We apologise for any embarrassment caused by our reporter's mishearing.

Tee hee.

Simson Sells His Last News

The man who spent more time in the Jinglin' Geordie than Edinburgh councillors and journalists combined has sold his last Edinburgh Evening News.

Vendor Simson Dickson has retired from his South St David Street stance after 50 years service. Got to admit, I always thought Simpson was Simson's surname if you follow. Many journos owe Simson a debt of gratitude for his ad-hoc but vital role of howfin' kegs of beer up Fleshmarket Close when taps were about to run dry.

No doubt Simson will continue to take up position at the end of the Jinglin' bar and always have a friendly greeting for us ex-News hacks.

Turning The Screws On Phone Tapping

Tell me what half decent hack hasn't tried this old trick during their time on the tabs? Phone tapping is a bit of a misnomer, it was much less sophisticated.

It was more of a case of phoning the generic mobile answering service and if the phone's owner was stupid enough not to have PIN protected their message inbox you typed in a standard default code and you were in like Flynn.

It might still work, for all I know.

Maybe the Screws had developed this technique - I would like to think so given it was paying some bloke £100k a year for this service.

It's laughable if predictable that our lying, cheating, thieving, scumbag MPs are queuing up to nail Andy Coulson and various News International execs. What a godsend that it takes the heat of their own underhand practices for a while.

Mayo Subs Blow Headline

Secrecy Cop Out On Bonuses

It seems the same story is in today's Daily Mail, click here, which estimates the pay outs range from £6500 to £8500.

But that's small beer when you learn about what Lothian and Borders top cops are trousering. See my Police Box blog on how L and B are trying to hide behind Freedom of Information/Data Protection legislation to keep the exact payouts secret.

But as a rough guesstimate, if Chief Constable David Strang is on a salary of around £130k and he has been awarded the top level 15% bonus, then he is pocketing just shy of an extra £20 grand a year.

And his sidekick, Deputy Chief Freeloader Tom Halpin, on a salary of around £110,000 and based on the top bonus payable at 12.5%, will be helping himself to a nice little earner of about £13k. Nice work if you can get it fellas.

No wonder L and B cops rushed round mob-handed to Fred the Shred's hoose when his windows were tanned in - no doubt seeking advice on how to invest the windfall and how to face down a potential public outcry.

p.s by the way Tom, have you found that missing laptop yet?

Anon Tip

Cops Forced In To Apology

Sound like a story to me and its been on two police websites with no-one catching on. Does this mean the press are so short staffed and under resourced that they don't have time to check out these websites or are the sites so dull they are ignored?

I don't know the answer but full details are over on my Police Box blog for any hack who wants to follow it up.

Press Trip

Legal eagles taking part in a charity run to raise funds for art organisations and I'd arranged for the briefs to be kitted out in their running gear for the P and J pic. I'd joked in the office I was only along to revel in their embarrassment.

So Kenny is setting up the shot and I'm trying to keep out of the way and thinking I'm being helpful I move his camera bag nearer to where he is working. Also a bit of a habit after working for years with photographers in areas where the locals wouldn't think twice of half-inching the gear given half a chance.

But I'm still in the way - and then it happened. As I moved, my foot got caught in the handle Kenny's camera bag. But this wasn't just a little tumble - the sort where you hope no-one notices and you just carry on as normal.

This was a full-blown Olympic medal winning heid-first dive in to the turf. No hands to save me - cos I'm carrying his damn bag. Sprawled full length, the tin flute is covered in mud and there is no way of recovering gracefully. As I pick myself up the lawyers are bent over double in hysterical laughter, as I would be if it was someone else who had gone for a burton.

And to add insult to injury, across the street there are a couple of geezers having a fag outside a social club and they are also poorless, gesturing that they have caught the episode on a camera phone.

It turns out the social club smokers were joking about getting my belly flop on camera so it won't be appearing on YouTube, thank God. As for the end result - the P and J used the words but not the pic. Welcome to the world of PR.